Offline, All The Time.

I heard a guy in Korea spent so much time on the internet that he is now legally a computer.

I’ve been spending way too much time on the Internet guys, when I tell someone “I’ll see you there in 10 minutes” what I actually say is “I’ll see you there in the amount of time it takes to download an episode of Jersey Shore”.

It’s gotten to the point where whenever someone says something and I’m forced to react I turn my head sideways so that my face looks like an emoticon. It doesn’t help that I’ve started wearing a lot of fake tan just to make myself look that bright yellow colour.

My parents think I should start spending more time outdoors and talking to people. What they don’t understand is the only way I’m used to speaking to people is through message boards. On a message board when someone says something that I don’t agree with, I have to go away and plan my reply exactly, with diagrams, pie charts and referencing obscure Wikipedia articles about the Berlin/ Hungarian War of 1912. After it’s finished I bring my thesis back and repeat it until they’re so ashamed about being wrong that they leave town and change their name, not even looking back once because of the shame they’ve brought to their family.

Can’t do that in real life. In real life when someone says something I don’t agree with I just whisper “okay” and go sit in the attic for a while.

So my parents have taken away my computer, the only technology I’m allowed is a calculator which makes for pretty boring text messages. All I can do is press the buttons, give them to my friend so they can look at the numbers upside down to see the words I’ve spelt.

56043603477351 = I SELL HEDGEHOGS.

Which will be useful if I ever do, you know, sell hedgehogs.

The thing I’m most scared about is how my animals on Farmville are doing without me. I hope they’re okay. It’s such a great game! Imagine if you could be a farmer in real life some day! I hope we’ll eventually have the technology to make that possible.

Top Tip: When quitting the internet make sure you don’t set yourself an email reminder to quit the internet, you’ll only be ruining things for yourself.

Need A Reference For That Part Time Job?

I heard that if you put your own name down as your reference on a resume, when you start working there you can call yourself your own boss.

Nobody trusts you. Whether you’re going for a job, or writing an essay, or telling the police where you were when the school’s exam papers mysteriously went missing and later somehow ended up on your blog, people always want a reference that’s not you.

It easy to organise these things, all you need is a bit of preparation and planning.

If you’re going for a job, figure out which one of your friend’s has the deepest voice. It’ll deepen even further over the phone, it’ll be like Barry White using a whale as a didgeridoo. It’ll command respect and respectability. But don’t put your friend’s name down as normal, especially if they tend to answer the phone with “Yo, it’s James here, get busy talking or get busy dying.”

Put a fake name, like, maybe, Eduardo, so when James gets a phone call from someone looking for Eduardo he’ll know to answer with “Si Senor, I am he.” Then he can give you a sweet reference and maybe you can pay him back by getting him a job there as well.

I wouldn’t, personally. Anyone who gives out a fake reference like that is untrustworthy.

If you’re writing an essay, don’t go to Wikipedia, everyone else in your class will be looking up information on that. But since people usually procrastinate you’ll have a chance to get there first. This is your chance to change all the dates and facts to something that’s almost right but not quite. They’ll lose marks for incorrect information (and for so obviously using Wikipedia, I mean, come on guys…) and you’ll be sorted.
Also, don’t just go to Wikipedia for quotes. Find the references Wikipedia uses, find them on Google Books and then get a different quote from that book. It’ll look like you went to all the trouble of finding the relevant book, when in fact we both know how lazy you are.

And if the cops call you looking for those essays, you know what to tell them, right?

“No hablo ingles, officer.”

Top Tip: When grabbing a quote from Wikipedia, make sure you don’t accidentally copy in something else accidentally, for example nobody wants to read an essay on Martin Luther King which goes: As Martin Luther King’s speech famously went “Dude I totally owned in Black Ops last night, I’m thinking of going professional.”

The Family Dinner

I heard that if a family dinner isn’t going well, you can just stand up and shout “THAT’S IT, I’M BECOMING ADOPTED” and leave with a plate of food, nobody is allowed to stop you.

It might be religion based, it might be a birthday or it could even just be random but sometime during the year a lot of us will have to sit down and have the most dreaded dinner of all…

The family dinner.

For me it’s Christmas. After a year of successfully ducking and dodging the lot of them, I’ll be forced to sit down with patronising uncles and aunts completely lacking in self-awareness.

I hate family dinners. You’re always still a child at them, no matter how old you get. Stuck at a children’s table (your knees up near your face because the table is so tiny), having macaroni or potatoes smeared into your hair by your little cousins.

Imagine your little cousin is Justin Bieber and he is the little annoying one smearing food in your hair. Now THAT would be annoying.

It gets worse once the food comes out. I’ve got a theory that my grandmother is a cannibal because it’s the only way to explain why she’s constantly shoving food down our throat.

She’s clearly fattening us up so she can feast on our delicious flesh, then maybe make a soup with the leftover bones.

When I’m not pushing half the food on my plate onto my cousins then blaming them for not eating everything, I have to keep complimenting everyone on their cooking, which is like thanking someone after they’ve sneezed on you and then punched you in the liver.

The absolute worst part though is when your relatives try to empathise with you. “So, you’re still listening to that grunge music? I heard that Friends show is very popular! I’m thinking of taking up skateboarding on the weekends because that would be, um, radical?”

Ugh. I’m just glad it’ll be another year before I have to do any of this nonsense again. Maybe I’ll get to sit at the adults table. The food’s weirder but at least it’ll give my knees a rest.

Top Tip: When visiting family members, don’t tell them about the dead pool you’re running with your cousins. They’ll have inside knowledge and will clean you out.

Head Trauma

One of the more annoying things about being alive (trust me, I’ve got a list) is the fact that our hair never stops growing. Sure, it’s FINE if you’ve screwed up your haircut in the past and need it to grow back to cover up those burnt, bald patches you’re suddenly sporting.

But what if you’ve finally gotten it the perfect way, a nice curve, bit of a wave, tiny spike at the end? Three weeks later it’s all going to change and six weeks from now you’ll have to start tidying it like it was the hedge maze in The Shining.

So we’re always changing our haircuts. Whether we’re googling strange new haircut trends (dreadlocks in the shape of a spider!) or trying to figure out what colour isn’t going to be out fashion in a months time (“I want something that’s halfway between pink and that colour milk goes when it’s gone off”) it’s a nightmare picking the right style.

I know Stephen Byrne spends A LOT of time thinking about his hair!

Don’t even get me started on being in the hairdressers. Every time they go “So, been anywhere nice for your holidays?” I want to scream, stand up and walk out. Always dangerous when someone is holding a pair of scissors close to your neck.

Of course I haven’t been anywhere nice for my holidays! I can’t afford it! I’ve spent all my money on haircuts! You see me every three weeks! Last time I talked to you, you convinced me that something called a “deathhawk” was going to become fashionable! It hasn’t! Now my grandmother is saying prayers for me every Sunday in church!

So, it’s got to the point to save money and time I just shaved off all my hair. Bought a cheap pair of clippers and got it done myself. Every morning I pick a different wig and start off my day. Sure, my head is a lot colder than it used to be but I’ve got a lot less confusion and stress going on.

Now, if only I could find a deathhawk wig…

Top Tip: Do not fall asleep when a hairdresser is cutting your hair. They see this as a chance to experiment and will claim you were mumbling in your sleep and asked them to give you the “Edward Scissorhands”.

Have iPhone, Will Travel

I heard that if you find someone whose passport looks nicer than yours, you can swap them and keep them for your own. Like Pokémon trading cards.

The world is getting smaller (not physically, that’d be dangerous) but it’s easier to travel to different countries and it’s easier for people from other countries to travel here. This has meant a general increase in the amount of different people you’ll meet as well as the amount of casual cynicism your grandparents will come out with.

It’s nothing to worry about; people from overseas are exactly like us. Well, not exactly. Sometimes they have a different currency, in America they use the dollar and in France they pay for everything in bread.

Have you ever seen someone who speaks English go overseas and try to communicate with other people? They generally have two options: 1) Mime (so to order a chicken burger they go “Bok bok” like a chicken “Boooo” like a ghost and then “Grr” like a bear) or 2) Start. Speaking. LOUDER. UNTIL. THEY. UNDERSTAND.

Which they never do.

But we don’t have to do that. Because we have the internet. ON OUR PHONES. When I was in France I found an app that had all the main sentences (“Where is the Bathroom” and “My TV is on fire”) programmed into it, so I just had to press a button and it would say the sentence in French for me.

Sure, it felt like I was slowly becoming a robot and would eventually have to turn on my still human friends when commanded to by my cybernetic Overlord, but who doesn’t feel like that sometimes. In any case I had to; it was way easier than having to speak to the French.

Although ordering bread in French was a pain.

WAHEEEEEY!!!

Top Tip: When going overseas, do not marry anyone. People will tell you it’s not that big a deal, that it’s their country’s equivalent to a handshake or a hug. It is not. It is a scam because all their divorce lawyers are bored and need the work.

 

Politically Unmotivated

I heard that the only people who get into politics are criminals who are tired of robbing houses and now want to rob countries.

Politicians lie. Everyone knows it. If someone disagrees with the statement, they are either a politician or someone who been paid to disagree with you. Paid by politicians.

Politics started in Ancient Greece when people would gather around and vote for who the best singer was. After winning the competition and beating a dragon to death with their hands, they would become King of Greece and gain complete control of all the creatures that lived in the ocean.

…Alright, I’m not sure how politics got started, Wikipedia is blocked on this library’s computer and they set fire to all of their encyclopaedias last year after misinterpreting the phrase “knowledge is power”.

Now the only things available in the library are two Take That albums and half a signed poster of David Hasselhoff.

But politics is everywhere and it’s good to take notice now and then. Are you aware of who is in charge of your country? Yes? That’s a good start. When you don’t, it probably means there’s about to be a revolution, start buying as many tinned foods as you can and call everyone you know “comrade”.

Eventually you’ll have to vote, which mean picking a political party. Basically as far as I can tell there are three types. There’s the ones who like to shout, the ones who disagree with these guys and then there’s the hippies.

Top Tip: Sometimes people talk about throwing things at politicians. Do not bother. They stopped feeling anything a long time ago.

 

When I Grow Up I Want To Be Peter Pan

I heard that whatever the first thing you pick up as a child defines what you become as an adult. I wish I hadn’t picked up that toilet brush.

It’s important to know what you want to be when you’re older; it gives you something to aim for. It also means any meetings you have with a guidance counsellor will be a lot shorter. “I want to be a telepathic doctor working with pandas” is what I always say. Our meetings now rarely last longer than three minutes.

I now have to attend a different kind of meeting but never mind that.

When I was younger, I thought that when I grew up I’d be a dentist, not because it seemed like a good job but I imagined with all the extra teeth you end up with you could just stick them under your pillow and BOOM! Instant jackpot via the Tooth Fairy.

Of course, that was before I found out that people don’t want you to pull out their teeth, in fact they have a tendency to bite down on any fingers in their gob at the first opportunity.

So, instead I thought I’d become an architect. I mean, I was pretty good with my Lego…I once built a scale model of the Sistine Chapel in my bedroom. This was before my brother, who considered himself a scale-model Godzilla, kicked it apart and later ate the tiny Lego statue of Michelangelo’s David that I’d made.

Finally, I thought I’d become a lawyer. I mean, it must be a good job or else why would there be so many TV shows about lawyers? To get ready I took out a suit from my parent’s wardrobe and started throwing books at the wall, as practice for when I had to do it to people.

I don’t think becoming a lawyer is for me though. Turns out you’re supposed to read the books as well, not just throw them at people. Instead, I think I’m going to try being a real estate agent, I hear they don’t have much to do at the moment. Besides, I’m really good at Monopoly.

If it doesn’t work out, I can always go to my second choice, although I don’t think there’s any pandas in Ireland at the moment.

Top Tip: When someone tells you what their job is, don’t laugh and say “What a waste of time”, unless their job is throwing away old clocks.

How To Get All Of Your Friends In the One Place

I heard that if it’s your birthday, the army have to let you use their tank for twenty minutes or give you €2000 in property damage, whichever happens first.

Meeting up with your friends is the hardest thing to do.  There’s always someone who is going to be late,  or gets the time wrong or for some reason insists that they only operate by whatever time it is in Donegal. (Donegal is a separate country)

So I’ve had to organise different methods of getting everyone into the same place over the years.

My friend, Mary, is always late, so whenever we’re going to meet up I always tell her the time we’re meeting is forty five minutes before we all show. I make sure everyone pretends to be really annoyed this makes her guilty enough that she always buys me a cup of coffee to make up for it.

Sam, on the other hand, is worse. Sam can only be made to show up if it’s a big occasion. Birthdays, going away parties, or an arranged marriage. I’ve got a list of excuses marked on my calendar to get him to come along.

My best, absolutely best friend in the world, who asks not to be named due to being embarrassed for being associated with me, will only show up if I pay for everything.

So after I clear a credit check and organise a deposit of 45% up front, they’re happy to show. Last week we even got a photo together!

That was later burned in front of my crying face.

I can’t write too much, it’s my birthday. I told Mary to be early, I told Sam it was really my birthday this time and my best friend said they’d send me an email! Everyone was supposed to be here three hours ago but you know what they say about being fashionably late!!! And not returning phone calls!!!  Ever!!!!!!!

They say that’s what friends are for!!!!!!!! J J JK L M

Top tip: When getting your friends together, make sure they don’t call each other and arrange a different place to hang out. Avoid this by “accidentally” breaking their phones whenever you see them.

It could be worse. I could have a jealous brother who sings about feeling overlooked and insignificant just like Mario and Luigi.

 

 

Mozilla Mo’Problems

I heard that if you type your name into Google and nothing shows up, according to the government you don’t technically exist.

Everyone has a websites these days. My uncle made one for his dog, which would be fine if didn’t mean Milo wasn’t also on Twitter, sending me Tweets all day. Do you know how many times you can fit “Woof” into one Tweet? 40 times, if you don’t include any spaces.

So it’s important to have a website because you never you might even get famous from it. I heard Justin Bieber was discovered while playing Farmville and Justin Timberlake’s Youtube video of him swallowing some Mentos with Diet Coke was what really got him famous.

A lot of people tell you that you should learn how to do all that computer code to make a website; html or php or brblmao. You don’t need any of that.

There are plenty of templates and tutorials out there. Learning languages didn’t help the Romans at all and, if I understand my history correctly, they all ended up drowned when Atlantis sank into the ocean anyway.

The main thing is you want to promote the best thing about you. For example, the main thing that people know about me is the weird number of facts I know about Jack the Ripper. Did you know he invented the Top Hat? You can find out more facts like this at my website, which is currently unavailable for legal reasons.

When finishing your website, let your friends know.

Unless your uncle’s dog has a better one than you. Then just tell everyone you had to take it down…For legal reasons.

Top Tip: When making a website, there is no point including a link to Google. Everyone already knows about it. Anyone who doesn’t is probably a ghost and you don’t want them haunting your website.

ps. would you want Dermot and Stephen haunting your twitter conversations? Check out the video when they eavesdropped on a conversation about Justin Bieber!

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do…

I heard that if someone wants to break up with you, they have to give you fifty percent of the money they have in their wallet when they do it.

A while back I wrote on how to ask someone out. This has led to some problems with my friends, who pointed out that in most cases I have been asked out mostly out of pity.  With my wealth of experience I am in a great position to write about it.

Nothing lasts forever, except for Katie Price’s implants and your friends’ memories of that time you licked a cat for dare. So, in preparation for the day when you have to gently let someone down, I’ve organised a simple guide to breaking up with someone.

1) Do it somewhere public, like a cafe. There’s nothing worse than meeting up in a park, breaking up with them only to have them start laughing and scream “THERE’S NOBODY AROUND FOR MILES WHO CAN SAVE YOU NOW!!!”

2) Don’t change your mind. Sometimes, when you try to break up with someone, they’ll cry, or plead, or ask you to just wait a few days before making up your mind.

Stay strong, this is just a stalling tactic. Most likely they want to go into your house one last time so they can steal your parents’ credit card number. This happened to someone I know. Who has the same name as me. (!)

3) Get your best mate to set them up with someone else as a consolation. You probably have a friend who can never find someone to date. Suggest they hook up, see how it goes. Your ex will do it as revenge against you. Your friend will be happy for the attention. When they’re off on a date together, this will give you a chance to charge things to their parents’ credit card.

So that’s my advice on breaking up with someone. I don’t need it anymore, I’ve found someone really special, in fact I’m on my way to meet them now! I wanted to go to a park for a walk but I was told we had to go to a cafe, I’m going to meet some loser friend who is tagging along.

I heard they’ve never even been on a date before.

Top Tip: When breaking up with someone, a good thing to say is “Don’t worry, you’ll meet someone else. Who is a lot like me, just…not me”.

They’ll appreciate the hope you’ve given them.