I Say, You Say, Essay

I heard that if you write at the end of your essay “This is private and confidential, destroy once you’ve finished reading” your teacher has to burn it and give you top marks for the security of the nation.

Writing an essay is just like when you’re angry at someone and you want to yell at them. You have to say what you’re angry about, yell at them about it, and then when you’re finished remind them that they’ve been yelled at.

Introduction

This is basically a list of what you need to do. So if you’re essays about Shakespeare and how he always killed all his characters because he never had any friends, this is the place to say it. “Shakespeare was the first emo because he made everyone carry around skulls, all his clothes had frills on the sleeves and he wore mascara”.

Check out our Super Emo Disco Party to see how modern day emo’s look:

Body of the Text

This is where you make your argument. You start off your first sentence relating to the question, then make a point about it. So if the question is “If Jedward ever learn martial arts they’re just going to look like Tekken characters”, you’d write about how everyone always wants to punch them and if you need a reference you include a picture of Paul Phoenix (google him – he’s pretty awesome)

Whenever I’m writing an essay I always make one major point per paragraph, then for my last paragraph I go “Some people don’t agree with this, they think blah blah blah”. So after I write down what they say, I totally destroy their argument with a great comeback! Even though I completely invented this person and what they think, they now look like a loser and no one will ever talk to them again.

If they were real. They’re not. But if they were!!!

But they’re not.

Conclusion

This is where you just repeat everything you said, like your grandmother talking to you on a train journey to Tullamore. Bear in mind there’s no such thing as bad publicity, so always include something that really bigs you up here. “In conclusion, that is why the world will end in 2012. Also, I’m probably going to win X-Factor next year after I save a bunch of kittens tied to fireworks. Vote for me!!!”
Top Tip: When using references, don’t include links to Wikipedia. Teachers hate this, since this website is slowly putting them out of a job.

Parental Supervision NOT Recommended

I heard that if you’re at a friend’s house its okay to drink milk straight from the carton, it’s only wrong if it’s your house.

Whenever you go visit your friends there will inevitably come a time when they have to go do something and it’s just you…and their parents. Now, nothing wrong with previous generations, they did fight in wars and invent Wi-Fi, but we just have nothing in common with them.

The last time I had to talk to a friend’s parent we ended up in an hour long discussion on the best place to go for a mountain walk this time of year. “Mountains” was the best answer I could give. Eventually there were maps out, compasses, comparisons on sea-levels between the north and south hemispheres.

I only called over to watch X-Factor because my brother broke our TV kicking a ball inside the house. If I wanted to join the scouts I….well, I never joined the scouts for a reason.

So, in preparation for the next time I’m stuck talking to the grey-haired and confused, I’ve made this list of sure-fire conversation starters.

“Who do the government think they are with their taxes? Like we don’t have enough taxes on our wages and, uh, direct debits.”

“Did you see that thing that happened in that newspaper they sell in the shop? Awful/Fantastic wasn’t it?” (delete as appropriate)

“That rap music is very loud isn’t it? Why do they always have their shirts off? They’ll catch a cold going around like that.”

And in a worst case scenario:

“So…know any mountains nearby that are good for a walk?”

Top Tip: Every family has a secret. You can find out your friend’s family one by going up to their parents, staring them in the eye and saying “Look, I know your secret, if you repeat it out loud to me now I promise I won’t tell anyone.”

What was your favourite song on XFactor?

I know it was last year, but this is epic:

Knowing IS Half The Battle

I heard that you can get at least 60% on every exam paper if in the middle of the exam you throw the papers on the floor and shout “No more writing! I will be doing my exam through the medium of interpretive dance!”

They say preparation is half the battle. Also, showing up is half the battle.  Also, knowing is half the battle. Now, I have never been in a battle but I do know fractions and I think someone got something wrong when they came up with these slogans.

I mean, if it were true, if both sides prepared and showed up, they’d both win! And lose. Unless it was the side that knew it had won that won, because they had worked out 150% of the battle.

Anyway. I like to prepare for things, especially tests.

Sometimes it’ll be something as simple as preparing a mnemonic (everyone knows “”Richard Of York Gave Battle In Vain” for the colours of the rainbow) or buying a new pencil case and drawing intricate pictures on it of daffodils, dragons and dinosaurs.

Luckily, nobody ever looks too closely or they’d see that the scales of the dragons are actually the words to Robert Frost’s “Stopping by a Wood On A Snowy Evening.” AND that inside of the petals of the daffodils I’ve managed to fit all the chemical compounds for the Periodic Table of Elements. Score.

Sometimes though, you can get lucky. Say, your teacher leaves their jacket behind the day before the test. And you have some ultraviolent ink. Now’s your chance to write all the answers on the back!

The next day you turn all the air-conditioning on, so it’s freezing and they have to wear the jacket because they’re so cold. Presto, when they turn around, you’ll have all the answers right in front of you!

Did I mention you’ll need to have a set of ultra-violet goggles so you can read the ink as well? I’m not sure they’ve been invented yet.

Actually, it might just be easier to study.

Top Tip: Remember, if you study things under pressure it’ll help you remember them in the exam when under pressure. This is why I only study while bungee jumping.

You can meet some interesting people on a bus.

I heard that if you sing “THE WHEELS ON THE BUS GO…” to the bus driver he has to pull over, smile and sing back “ROUND AND ROUND” or else he gets fired.

I was on the bus heading home the other day and the guy sitting one row behind me says “Man, it’s just a fact that people are jealous of me, just because I can dance. They don’t get that I learnt to dance just by watching videos on Youtube.”

I switched seats.

There’s etiquette to riding the bus. If there’s an empty seat, you sit in that, not next to someone else. If someone is asleep, you punch them on the arm as you walk past so they scream thinking aliens have finally come to abduct them. Pretty straightforward.

But there are people who ignore the rules. There are the people who think that their mobile phone is actually a mobile DJ sound booth and we want to listen to them sing off-key to whatever dance track is popular in the nightclubs of Turkey.

FYI, we don’t.

Sometimes on the bus you start wondering if everyone is psychic except for you. So you start thinking really loud thoughts like “I KNOW YOU’RE ALL PSYCHIC. YES, YOU. OLD MAN. READING THE NEWSPAPER. YOU. I KNOW YOU’RE PSYCHIC.”

And then they look at you and you look away and start thinking very quiet thoughts.

Can you learn how to be psychic for Youtube? I’m going to Google it when I get home. If Darth Paul can move things with his mind then I can surely learn to read people’s minds!

Top Tip: When looking for a seat on the bus, always look for the person who is talking in their sleep. You can pretend to join and everyone will think the two of you are friends.

Smelly Clothes

I heard that if you make clothes out of carpet you can just clean them with a hoover.

Sometimes when I wake up, it’s like I’m surrounded by a jungle of old clothes. Underwear hangs off of curtain rails, socks are being used as bookmarks and I occasionally have to physically tear some of the clothes apart. (They’re soooooo stuck together they’re like the wet pages of a book. Yuk)

It’s hard to tidy the room because the rules of physics just don’t apply in your bedroom.

The reason we change our clothes is because they smell worse the longer you wear them. However, I’ve found that if you put everything into a pile by the time it reaches the bottom it smells okay.

Something happens within that pile that human science is unable to understand. Once I put some rotten vegetables and a pinch of salt on the top and when I came back three weeks later and checked the bottom, all I found was a fresh slice of Quiche. It tasted great although it did smell unfortunately like socks that had been coughed up by a cat.

To combat this I’ve set up a new system of clothes organisation. I divide my clothes into five different categories; top half, bottom half, socks, underwear and hats. Then I put each category into its own garbage bag.

When I wake up in the morning I pull the necessary items out of each bag without looking. Whatever I pullout, I wear. When it’s done, I wash it and it goes back into the bag.

Now, it’s not a perfect system. The sock bag is tricky because I rarely get two of the same type. And the upper half and bottom half never go well together.

But it’s a system!

Without systems we wouldn’t have schools or government or queues into discos.

Although those three things apparently have “dress codes” so I’m not allowed into any of them anymore.

To be honest, I’d probably be just better off wearing the same set of clothes into the shower every day. They’ll get cleaned when I do and then I won’t have to worry about co-ordination or hygiene again.

Top Tip: When cleaning your room, ignore anyone who offers to throw all your clothes away and buy you new ones. You will never see them again or your smelly jeans.

 

To ask or not to ask?

Rumour: I heard that if you ask someone on a date and they choose the movie, they have to pay for both tickets.

I love spicy food, sometimes when I’m eating a bowl of Cornflakes in the morning I’ll throw in some curry powder to give it a bit of a zing.

So when my friends told me that Tabasco sauce really spices up a meal I went out and a bought a bottle of it and poured the entire bottle on my dinner that night.

BIG MISTAKE.

As it burnt it’s way through my stomach like a bonfire in a fireworks factory, I felt an awful sense of déjà vu. How was this feeling, like a man made from lava kicking my gut from the inside, so familiar? Then I realised, it’s because this is how I felt the first time I asked someone out.

Asking someone out is tricky. You have to figure out all the angles.

Do I think they like me?

Will this be embarrassing if they say no?

If they say no, am I willing to change my name and move continents for ten years so I never bump into anyone they might tell?

What actually happens if they say yes?  :-0

However, like any plumber will tell you, pressure has to released. At some point an INSANE, UNCOMPROMISING part of your brain will force you to ask them out. Especially if you are meant to be together forever.
(at least that’s what the magic-8 ball says)

My advice: do it on April 1^st.

Now, the downside of this plan is that you can only ask people out once a year. Sad face. On the upside if everything goes wrong you can laugh it all off and if they still don’t believe it’s a joke plane tickets out of the country are a lot cheaper this time of year. Happy Face.

TOP TIP: When asking someone out, don’t give them a sheet of paper that has all the pros vs cons of why you should date written on it; it’s just not that romantic.

ps. I’d love to ask Ke$ha out but she’s just a tiny little bit scary. She’d probably eat me for breakfast (with Tabasco)

Sleep On It

Rumour: I heard a rumour if you have a dream within a dream, you have to shout “Double Wake up!” when you open your eyes or you’ll be asleep forever.

I find it really hard to wake up in the morning, maybe it’s because every night I dream I’m running away from a serial killer who has kittens instead of fingers.

The problem with the dream is that in horror films when you hear a cat, you’re supposed to be relieved. However with this guy when you hear meowing it means terror is just at the end of his fingertips. “scratch, scratch, meooooOWWW!”

The other week I kept my window open and left a trail of sweets and bread up to my bed, in the hopes that a lovely raccoon would follow it and wake me up with his cuddly widdol face.

Well, it worked. (Or was I in a dream within a dream? I can never tell.)

Do you know raccoons can get rabies? When you see a frothing raccoon face at 9 in the morning and you’re already late for school, you know what fear is. Combine that with the man who has kittens for fingers. It’s been an intense week.

The only way I’ve found to really wake up is to roll out of bed. It’s usually when, thanks to gravity, my body hits the hard wood floor that I really wake up. Sure, I’m waking up quicker now, but the bruises that cover my arms and legs make me look like a walking piece of old fruit.

If anyone knows a better way, let me know!

Top Tip: When people say “pinch me, I’m dreaming”, they only mean for you to do it once, not for the rest of the day.

Ps. They should teach kitty-language at school instead of Irish.

Time Travel Teacher

Rumour: I heard that you are not legally obliged to do anything a teacher says unless they start their sentence with the words “Simon Says…”

There are some days when you’re sitting in class and your mind begins to wander and you start thinking to yourself about time-travel.

If you could time-travel back, wouldn’t it be great to enrol in your old school and teach yourself? So you start wondering if the teacher who is teaching you now is actually you from the future. You start looking for little clues, like, “Oh, they’re right-handed, I’m right handed, maybe we’re the same person.” Stuff like that.

Eventually, after talking to the teacher for a while you realise that it’s not you from the future, because you can’t imagine what might happen to you to make you that mental.

You see, when people say “the best years of your life” when they talk about school, they’re glossing over the fact that it’s basically an insane asylum where the inmates are forced to wear ties and grey pants instead of straightjackets. And the people who run it…man, are they ever lucky that nobody films what goes on in class…

I had a teacher who used to throw chalk at people’s heads. And got away with it! For YEARS!

Sometimes he’d use a tennis ball instead, you know, just to switch it up now and again. Nobody could understand why he was like that.

However, let me explain it for you now.

There’s one phrase, one phrase alone, that defines teaching. “Those that can…do. Those who can’t…teach.”

Imagine that was the catchphrase you had for your life. Sure, when you were younger you thought you might be an astronaut or teach tigers how to dance or become a hunter and search for the most dangerous animal of all…a genetically engineered skebra. Which is part skunk and part zebra. It’s either all white or all black but always smells horrible.

But  no. You’re a teacher and you’ll never hunt the skebra, because instead of being able to study for your skebra hunting licence, you’ve got teach lunatics about Pythagoras or throw chalk at their head.

Top Tip: If a teacher likes to shout, have everyone bring in a long mirror and hold it up in front of them, when the teacher sees how awful they look when they’re angry, they’ll calm down.

Next time your teacher asks you to collect the homework remind them they need to say “Simon Says…” It’s sooo easy even this dog can do it.

Tea making monkey

Rumour: If you stare at a boiling kettle your face will break out in boils

There is nothing more peaceful than the sound of a boiling kettle beginning to whistle. Except for Greenpeace, they’re pretty peaceful. And I guess it’s not too peaceful if you’re right next to the kettle, it’s like my grandfather always told me: “Never stare at the sun or into a kettle as it’s boiling. It’ll hurt a lot and then you won’t be able to make me any tea.”

Tea has been around in ancient China since 10^th Century BC. They used to think monkeys would pick their tea leaves for them, which I can assure you is not true, I’ve been kicked out of enough zoos trying to have a tea-party with some chimps to know that for sure. No, apparently our monkey friends only drink cappuccinos anymore and will throw banana skins at you if you offer them anything else. Sometimes, the bigger ones will throw barrels but if I’ve learnt anything from my Italian plumber friend Mario Mario, it’s how to fight a barrel throwing monkey.

In America they had a revolution against England because they were being charged too much for their tea. You ever go shopping with your grandmother and when she sees how much a packet of Irish Breakfast costs she shakes her head and goes “That’s very dear…”?

Be careful, she might just be thinking of starting an uprising. If she does, make sure you get to be a Colonel. It’s said different than it’s spelt, which is confusing to the enemy.

Making tea is a lot more than just adding hot water to some tea bags, stirring them around and maybe adding some milk or sugar.

Actually, that’s pretty much everything you have to do. Man, am I embarrassed now.

Top Tip: Always stir the tea anti-clockwise or else the evil monkey in your cupboard will be very very upset.

Start Talking To Strangers

Rumour: I heard if you start up a conversation with someone on the bus you will marry them years later in Vegas like Britney Spears.

Last time I Googled it, there was about 7 billion people in the world. To put this in comparison, there are 2 people in Jedward. Now, you’re probably thinking “Man, that’s an awful lot of people in the world, I bet I’m going to have meet some of them sometime.”

And you’d be right. Now, I used to be terrible at talking to people I didn’t know. I’d always say to myself “I can’t talk to them, I don’t even know their name! We don’t have anything in common…should I tell them about the fact I once accidentally sneezed into a dog’s mouth at the beginning of the conversation, or wait until after I’ve said hello?”

Deep questions…and they always stopped me from introducing myself to people I didn’t know.

But that’s when I realised they were as scared of me as I was of them!

Wait, I might be thinking of bears.

Alright, I was thinking of bears, but this also works with people. Have you ever sat next to someone for an entire bus trip, wishing one of you said something?  Well, it’s easier than you think! Here’s some opening lines to fun conversations I’ve been using recently.

“Hey, do you have the time? I forgot my watch last time I went scuba-diving for pirate gold.”

“I don’t know if anyone has ever told you this, but I have beautiful eyes.”

“Did you see that new episode of Lost? What do you mean it’s over? Sorry, I’ve been really busy scuba-diving for pirate watches.”

Notice how I’ve said everything in this conversation so far and you’ve only had to listen? It’s been pretty easy, right?

Top Tip: Don’t start talking to the bus driver, even if it is to ask where your stop is, because he is probably already married.