Rumour: If you stare at a boiling kettle your face will break out in boils
There is nothing more peaceful than the sound of a boiling kettle beginning to whistle. Except for Greenpeace, they’re pretty peaceful. And I guess it’s not too peaceful if you’re right next to the kettle, it’s like my grandfather always told me: “Never stare at the sun or into a kettle as it’s boiling. It’ll hurt a lot and then you won’t be able to make me any tea.”
Tea has been around in ancient China since 10th Century BC. They used to think monkeys would pick their tea leaves for them, which I can assure you is not true, I’ve been kicked out of enough zoos trying to have a tea-party with some chimps to know that for sure. No, apparently our monkey friends only drink cappuccinos anymore and will throw banana skins at you if you offer them anything else. Sometimes, the bigger ones will throw barrels but if I’ve learnt anything from my Italian plumber friend Mario Mario, it’s how to fight a barrel throwing monkey.
In America they had a revolution against England because they were being charged too much for their tea. You ever go shopping with your grandmother and when she sees how much a packet of Irish Breakfast costs she shakes her head and goes “That’s very dear…”?
Be careful, she might just be thinking of starting an uprising. If she does, make sure you get to be a Colonel. It’s said different than it’s spelt, which is confusing to the enemy.
Making tea is a lot more than just adding hot water to some tea bags, stirring them around and maybe adding some milk or sugar.
Actually, that’s pretty much everything you have to do. Man, am I embarrassed now.
Top Tip: Always stir the tea anti-clockwise or else the evil monkey in your cupboard will be very very upset.
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