Time Travel Teacher

Rumour: I heard that you are not legally obliged to do anything a teacher says unless they start their sentence with the words “Simon Says…”

There are some days when you’re sitting in class and your mind begins to wander and you start thinking to yourself about time-travel.

If you could time-travel back, wouldn’t it be great to enrol in your old school and teach yourself? So you start wondering if the teacher who is teaching you now is actually you from the future. You start looking for little clues, like, “Oh, they’re right-handed, I’m right handed, maybe we’re the same person.” Stuff like that.

Eventually, after talking to the teacher for a while you realise that it’s not you from the future, because you can’t imagine what might happen to you to make you that mental.

You see, when people say “the best years of your life” when they talk about school, they’re glossing over the fact that it’s basically an insane asylum where the inmates are forced to wear ties and grey pants instead of straightjackets. And the people who run it…man, are they ever lucky that nobody films what goes on in class…

I had a teacher who used to throw chalk at people’s heads. And got away with it! For YEARS!

Sometimes he’d use a tennis ball instead, you know, just to switch it up now and again. Nobody could understand why he was like that.

However, let me explain it for you now.

There’s one phrase, one phrase alone, that defines teaching. “Those that can…do. Those who can’t…teach.”

Imagine that was the catchphrase you had for your life. Sure, when you were younger you thought you might be an astronaut or teach tigers how to dance or become a hunter and search for the most dangerous animal of all…a genetically engineered skebra. Which is part skunk and part zebra. It’s either all white or all black but always smells horrible.

But  no. You’re a teacher and you’ll never hunt the skebra, because instead of being able to study for your skebra hunting licence, you’ve got teach lunatics about Pythagoras or throw chalk at their head.

Top Tip: If a teacher likes to shout, have everyone bring in a long mirror and hold it up in front of them, when the teacher sees how awful they look when they’re angry, they’ll calm down.

Next time your teacher asks you to collect the homework remind them they need to say “Simon Says…” It’s sooo easy even this dog can do it.

Start Talking To Strangers

Rumour: I heard if you start up a conversation with someone on the bus you will marry them years later in Vegas like Britney Spears.

Last time I Googled it, there was about 7 billion people in the world. To put this in comparison, there are 2 people in Jedward. Now, you’re probably thinking “Man, that’s an awful lot of people in the world, I bet I’m going to have meet some of them sometime.”

And you’d be right. Now, I used to be terrible at talking to people I didn’t know. I’d always say to myself “I can’t talk to them, I don’t even know their name! We don’t have anything in common…should I tell them about the fact I once accidentally sneezed into a dog’s mouth at the beginning of the conversation, or wait until after I’ve said hello?”

Deep questions…and they always stopped me from introducing myself to people I didn’t know.

But that’s when I realised they were as scared of me as I was of them!

Wait, I might be thinking of bears.

Alright, I was thinking of bears, but this also works with people. Have you ever sat next to someone for an entire bus trip, wishing one of you said something?  Well, it’s easier than you think! Here’s some opening lines to fun conversations I’ve been using recently.

“Hey, do you have the time? I forgot my watch last time I went scuba-diving for pirate gold.”

“I don’t know if anyone has ever told you this, but I have beautiful eyes.”

“Did you see that new episode of Lost? What do you mean it’s over? Sorry, I’ve been really busy scuba-diving for pirate watches.”

Notice how I’ve said everything in this conversation so far and you’ve only had to listen? It’s been pretty easy, right?

Top Tip: Don’t start talking to the bus driver, even if it is to ask where your stop is, because he is probably already married.