Offline, All The Time.

I heard a guy in Korea spent so much time on the internet that he is now legally a computer.

I’ve been spending way too much time on the Internet guys, when I tell someone “I’ll see you there in 10 minutes” what I actually say is “I’ll see you there in the amount of time it takes to download an episode of Jersey Shore”.

It’s gotten to the point where whenever someone says something and I’m forced to react I turn my head sideways so that my face looks like an emoticon. It doesn’t help that I’ve started wearing a lot of fake tan just to make myself look that bright yellow colour.

My parents think I should start spending more time outdoors and talking to people. What they don’t understand is the only way I’m used to speaking to people is through message boards. On a message board when someone says something that I don’t agree with, I have to go away and plan my reply exactly, with diagrams, pie charts and referencing obscure Wikipedia articles about the Berlin/ Hungarian War of 1912. After it’s finished I bring my thesis back and repeat it until they’re so ashamed about being wrong that they leave town and change their name, not even looking back once because of the shame they’ve brought to their family.

Can’t do that in real life. In real life when someone says something I don’t agree with I just whisper “okay” and go sit in the attic for a while.

So my parents have taken away my computer, the only technology I’m allowed is a calculator which makes for pretty boring text messages. All I can do is press the buttons, give them to my friend so they can look at the numbers upside down to see the words I’ve spelt.

56043603477351 = I SELL HEDGEHOGS.

Which will be useful if I ever do, you know, sell hedgehogs.

The thing I’m most scared about is how my animals on Farmville are doing without me. I hope they’re okay. It’s such a great game! Imagine if you could be a farmer in real life some day! I hope we’ll eventually have the technology to make that possible.

Top Tip: When quitting the internet make sure you don’t set yourself an email reminder to quit the internet, you’ll only be ruining things for yourself.